Old Personal: March 2004 Archives

Obviously I'm going to burn in that very special level of hell for this, but it's done, and I'm sorry it happened.

I can already feel like my mind is contracting and I feel dirty, not to mention paltry.

It's just the fact that the conversation takes place, that the rating should be lowered because "it's a good film" which makes me just want to point out that what government anywhere should be allowed to legislate value? Applying arbitrary notions like lines in the sand apparently isn't enough. The suppression of thought leads to impoversishment and inefficiency - the disruption of market forces, as some might say.

I wonder what the rating would be if Jesus was sodomising Mary, both of them.

Hi, I'm Louis, and I read (past-tense) today's Life.

Is there any doubt that despite the extreme close-ups, that Wonderfalls is Tim Minear's show? I'm sure no one likes that they messed with the airing sequence, but to be fair, those were pretty good episodes, and also good episodes to start with. I still get a bit disoriented when I watch Firefly and Shindig comes so early.

But yes, I must find the time and way to organise a Firefly screening party of some sort or other some time. I should also finish my third chapter.

It was quite fun the way that L word used Nick Cave, though I just remember when I first heard the song, that I wanted the interventionist god to be direct her away, out of some kind of spite or pique.

William Sadler wasn't inaccurate then in describing his character, the Bush thing was hilarious. Almost makes me want to watch the Roswell boxed set I bought.

It's not just that I terrorise, it is also that I am beset by anxieties. Things annoy people, people annoy people, certain things with certain people annoy people.

Is it any surprise to anyone that Howard Dean should be so heartbreaking to me right now? His comment is here, and he was replying to this.

And so good starts are just too much pressure. It's very satisfying not having to be polite. Simmering tension humbug boo hoo.

I, I, I. Am a man more sinned against than sinning.

Much fetching from the Servisair lounge at Manchester.

And so it was that three years of his life, by passings and mishandlings, and the carelessness of listening and the slap-thwap of whispers, became transmogrified into not things.

S- had a habit of wailing on CP, oh wail, oh wail. And so when it came to money, everyone just sort of nudged about the fact that it wasn't just in money that higher ground was gained, which is what friendship is all about.

Who would have guessed that all (as far as I know) of George's stuff is being re-released. I'm suddenly really missing the Travelling Wilbury's albums. The boxed set is this, all his Dark Horse albums, even though I already have a couple of the discs already.

Unfortunately I'll end up waiting for a bit to get it, unless it's available for cheap in Singapore (not a chance), probably waiting for another more comprehensive collection to come out, or at least a complementary one. I already have the albums that aren't dark horse anyway I think.

Note to self: blogs are not meant to be pretentious(?).

Is a Sandalwood box just too much to ask?

Heard the eternal footman, bought himself a bike to race

And so I would sit in front of the window and stare out longingly at the curtain. All the idle lying on duck shit. It's nice to cuddle sun-block.

Return Argos stuff. Buy Bikram Yoga. Buy Shooting the Past. Nuts for dad. Trains on Sunday leave at 5.10 and 6.10, arriving at 7.19 and 8.24.

It seems ShareReactor has been the target of some governments sting, so it's offline and the owner is facing criminal charges. But well, there's still Shareconnector, fileheaven.org, therealworld.de, bucktv.com, and others who might never reach the scale of SR, but that's what suprnova is for. The wheel's always turning, but it only matters to the people on the rim.

So yes, Paul Smith shoes. 2 pairs of them no less. Lightning struck hell freezing over.

Easy racism (against mainland chinese for instance, or boat people) on the part of someone from a racial minority is fantastic, especially in the way it discomfits those in the majority who experience it with a kind of shock at the non-fraternal illiberality of it all. Of course it happens easiest from those who come originally from a place where they are anything but the minority.

And so Joss Whedon really inhabits that kind of mediocrity, the kind that Karen seems intent on bringing out in me. It is perhaps how much not I want to be intervened in that makes me so unprepared to be inadequate and unconsidered. Go fill your anxieties like a well - exactly like a well. Other people probably realise that suicide is a solution. And one that is fed.

Gone, but I don't know wh....

Need to remember to keep notebook charged so have to go to smokey area. Have a look at Karen's prospective lamp. Need to download all the crap required for creative, just in case, though the driver's what's most important. Must bring CD and DVD to test playback. Must check that they've credited my account as and when they do. Check the train timings for friday. Remember to buy watch and liquitabs. Collect pin no. Go crazy and buy a powered usb hub.

Oh and of course there had been a ridiculousness about soliciting friendship, or the feeling of it, remotely, and by proxy, which he admitted later; but you get lonely after you leave and you wish the ones who could make it otherwise weren't either. But cradle snatching happens, and well, that's something.

"Is it time for the descent into hell yet?"

"Oh we love those, ."

"You remember that last one, with the buttons and the fringe?"

"Oh no, was it...? Oh yes, yes... no."

"Excuse me, are you writing stairway to heaven in there?"

And so it was an overly bright day in Manchester and K and D2 were in The Filmworks, after it was a multiplex but before it was sticky. K felt it was very much like a the painting of the open door, both in the hanging and the brushing, and especially with the unintentional red lights, and that smell that smelled like pre-haunting emulsion. That was the day when they'd both discovered why you always have a pair of sunglasses on overly bright days in Manchester.

First off, let's send you to C-Span.org, it's the website for a public interest broadcaster in the US that has loads of content on the elections so far and in particular, content on Dean. His remarks at the Gridiron Luncheon are a good place to start. And well you could have a look at www.deanforamerica.com.

I'll say it here. I don't think John Kerry will win it. And if he does, I really don't think he'll be the kind of president envisaged by those who support him. Put simply, he doesn't have the brass. "He's better than the other guy" is not good enough.

But enough about that. You can find a nice simple bittorrent client here. More info, and an introduction and useful FAQ can be found on the original bittorrent page.

Once that's installed, you should go to www.suprnova.org (yes it's misspelled) and go crazy. The link for Firefly, though, is here.

The problem, though, is that you're behind a router, and without you reading a router manual (they're actually really short and clear though) this is what you should do. You have a Netgear router. I'm not sure of the exact model no. but I suspect it's this, the manual for it is here. Anyway, you need to know about port forwarding, so you should read this to figure out what to do. The ports required are supposedly 6881-6999, but you can read more about it at the rather more informative d-link page, they're another company that make networking equipment, but the info is similar. Oh, and you find out your IP (which is where the ports will be forwarded to ie your computer) by looking at this.

You wonder when "they'll like us when we win" stops being enough. If there was one thing that made Dean stand out it was that he was willing to say that he's willing to make the right decision, whether it's popular or not. I'm not saying his rationale for revisiting trade agreements wouldn't have been fallacious, or that they wouldn't be fueled by the same affective fallacy that afflicts so called "liberals", but at least the gesture was there. Kerry can still bite me.

Now it just seems that jobs has become such an Issue that only the Republicans can sound the right note. And as for Lou Dobbs, you wonder whether there was some point when the media said to itself that a part of their service to the public should not be to feed its anxieties under the pretext of assuaging them, but rather be a tool for public education.

For a government that is founded on it's ability to educate it's electorate, it's unwillingness to promote what is right and things that are irrepressible, is simply irresponsible - a lacking of will and information.

You claim that people aren't going to like it and yet you concieve of yourself as being able to guide people into thinking the right way. You can stick your neck out and say unreservedly that free trade is the way to go (as they admirably should) and yet this truth is just too difficult for people to swallow even when it has no effect on them or their perception of their pocket books.

I wonder if I would ever explain to Mary the feelings I have of antagonism towards people who previously had authority over me. Or if I could explain, as I could to Cari, that I (like her) live in morbid fear of bumping into people I might know on the street.

So yes, I've always gotten bad vibes from certain people, and others well probably don't have the time or inclination to be that friendly. Not that I don't understand this, I never really want to see any of my recruits' ever again, as might be rather explosively been shown when that guy turned up in Su-lin's room. But translation man.

I think I will try to make the first step and try to e-mail Matt.

As you'd think, the Economist probably does a lot better at making the case that trade and capitalism have to be accelerated, not retarded, to make the world a better, and less poor, place.

That, and why Americans really shouldn't be so obsessed with the movement of jobs. And basically that they're better off now than they ever were. (The first link requires subscription)

Just right now, Aimee Mann is making me want to cry.

It's all about drugs, it's all about shame.

There's just an emptiness of feeling in the inability to make connections and the inability to think and have thought. It might a bit be about superiority and pity but it's also a great feeling to have access to that well of feeling and that grasp of intellect and thought. You wonder if righteous anger might not be seperated from it.

I'm just here, not really wanting to look at my scribbles, wondering if I should go to Borders. I'll be off to have dinner in a minute probably, likely to be burger king. Don't feel like browsing DVD's or CD's, feeling a bit tired, wishing I wouldn't end up smelling.

It's pretty goddamn cold today, about 4 degrees. I'll probably eat, then go back to Karen's, hang out till I got to Delwyn bearing eggs and hopefully a working copy of DVD-Region-Free.

And I don't feel like playing Ultima 9. Is this really a genuine sense of not wanting to be immersed to come up and want againt to be swept away? Only this time the Oceans have stopped and the waves are too embarassed to crash anywhere except Karen's room.

I'm seeing Ve-Yin tonight, hopefully for a nice fulfilling dinner. It'll be a bit strange no doubt, I hope he figures to come upstairs to look for me, though I'll take a stab at staying downstairs for a bit.

And so aside from thinking I should get the Echo Indigo, I wonder if I should just sit in front and try like it matters. Lost lost lost. For better or worse, I think I'm going off to go and write to Cari.

Just feeling a sudden desperation to write, despite being on Karen's computer and her ancient keyboard. It's not like shuttlecocks, it really is like being stuck, breathless and dazed, unable to move.

And thinking about the past isn't all that happens when you have no future, the present just seems to loom. As with all panic attacks, things go away, but it's just a feeling of wanting to sleep perpetually, and of worry and sinking.

The Corner is a bit disappointing. I suppose if I was expecting the Wire, this isn't it. I just hope the rest of it is better. But the landscape is similar though, and not in buildings of people so much, but in language and lingo. I've only really seen 2 actors who would eventually go on the Wire, but here it just seems they're all not quite where they should/would be.

I suppose though, that this really is much more of a journalistic work than The Wire is - it's just that the breadth and subtlety of The Wire is so much more appealing, and so much less Gritty.

For some reason, the wireless link has shaped up in the past couple of hours, so that I might actually have a ghost of a chance at watching Angel soon. Of course I could just wait 3 weeks, but it's the principle of it.

It's getting a bit annoying sitting here, but that's being sort of paliated(?) by my looking for sound solutions for my lovely new laptop. So far the Echo Indigo seems the most promising - PCMCIA, so no dangling about. Thing is that it's about 130 US, and it would probably cover up my wifi switch, which might be a bit annoying.

Also I wonder if I would really need to try to get along with WinDVD 4 to get the most out of it - I'm finding since DVD Region-Free that I really like WMP as playback software in favour of PowerDVD.

I can't be bothered to write another entry, and I'm sure these cafe driven ramblings please no one but my fingers, but I just watched the West Wing where Toby tries to save social security; and it's still good. But obviously that's what really precipitated me wanting to spend 130 dollars.

And so Caffe Nero is all that bad. It's not so smoky today, the music is a more sedate weekend version of the usual frenetics.

I've tried the food and it isn't horrible. The pasta is okay, not something I'd recommend even as microwaved food goes. The soup wasn't all bad though, and is palatable.

It'd be nice if they had a toilet round here.

I wonder if I would have been better off having Eggs Benedict at City Screen, but then it's not Eggs Michael, and City Screen ain't the Original Pancake House.

Doesn't everyone love spotty wifi connections :P.

It really is just too noisy and far too smoky to write comfortably at Caffe Nero. I wonder when they're going to start recognising me and bugging me about not ordering drinks. I suppose I could buy overpriced water, but it all just makes me want to go to the toilet.

I suppose Cari won't be able to find a fourth for mahjong, so if they want to play anything it'll have to be Tai Di.

Oh, and clever man at this electronics shop near the Shambles managed to get me the requisite cable I'd want to plug in in the UK without an adaptor. Apparently those small plastic things aren't allowed here. I suppose the fact that it leads to me sticking pens into sockets doesn't cross their mind. But yes, adaptor cable is good.

Isn't it just predictable that the table next to the power point should be the one with the spotty wireless coverage? The Bastards.

But at least now I'm getting my money's worth from my access plan. Fat chance of me buying much coffee from this place though. I get the feeling wifi is not a priority for most of the latte sipping crowd here.

So yes I'm back in York in the most surreal way possible. Luckily Karen's friend just got back from Mecca, and "know's a guy".

Got confirmation that I'll be going to see Cari on Monday. House of Sand and Fog is still showing here, so some time next week maybe. I'll probably try to move to Delwyn's after dinner or something.

Amazingly, torrents are doing fine, and Angel is on it's way.