I'm really sick of doing my essay. Want to just chuck it in and not bother. Just feeling demoralised about all this, feel like resigning myself to being a failed academic.
Chatted to Karen last night, which was sort of nice. I think I feel a bit awkward about the fact that I didn't actually know her that well when she was in York, so find being pally a bit strange. Find myself being friendly in a way that probably just isn't the right register with which to talk to her. Can't say she hasn't been responsive though, either she's one of those people who's just prompt about replying to mails, or she's in one of those moods that I can get into when I'm trying to be friendly. I'm definitely not in one of those moods now, which is sort of why it's nice to have someone try to be friendly.
I'm just in one of those moods I get into I think when I start writing, when I eat alot (Karen, I really wasn't kidding, think whale) mong in front of the TV alot, do idle things like campaign for SDI in Opera. I suppose I should take it as a good sign, that I'm really in writing mode, but somehow my vision just becomes very much blinkered, I really can't remember what it was like the last time I wrote an essay, whether I actually felt this way. It feels familiar, but the familiarity is not tied to memory in any concrete way. Not that memory is concrete. I've been watching Lost Highway again, "I want to remember things my own way, not necessarily the way they happened". Just the thought of sitting in front of a Word document, especially one with so much scribble on it is just not my idea of fun. I can't bring myself to do it. I'll just have to wait and see. Writing about this is meant to make me feel better.
Starting to realise I'm not too keen to have too many people read all of this. There are a couple of people now who at least come over and have a look once in a while, which I really appreciate; but a bunch of people I know? no, don't think I'd want that. Somehow I'd love to hear what strangers would think about all this, but that's not very likely now is it?
This feeling really is so familiar, suddenly feeling very estranged and lacking in interest in books in general. For whatever reason I get drawn to watching TV and movies alot more. I probably do that because I feel so much more passive in watching them, and a large part is probably because I'm not being compelled to write on them, even though I suppose I'd want to.
I've decided that my louiskhorweiwu address at hotmail will no longer be active, I'll be using it purely as a .Net passport for messenger. Will have to find some way to tell the world about this. No one's sent me mail on that account for ages anyway, so...
I'll probably be doing the same for my yahoo account in the future, switching to operamail with the same username. Weltenschauung will become my public/commercial e-mail address. The operamail address will become purely a personal e-mail address.
Starting to think I should just go to Chicago anyway, in the hopes that it will make me feel better, and just to get out of my room. I can't really remember a time when staying still to work really did me that much good. Not that moving does wonders necessarily. There's not even anything worth watching on TV now.
